Steadily moving forward

I was born and raised and am surrounded by friends and family who are deeply rooted Christians. The day I got my first heirloom package was the first day I started school at a Christian University going for my Friday night essence in digital media art. I knew by reading the first Neqthink book that Mark was leading up to disproving my religion and in the second book he did. I didn’t know what to think. I prayed to God that if he was real to show some sign or anything that would prove he was real. All my life I was a shy timid person. Having to do or go to any public event or anything new would make me sweat and fear. I would pray hard for God to guide me and give me peace, only when the event was over what I feel peace. “Knowing”God was there for me never helped matters any. I didn’t stop reading the book even after that “blasphemous” article and after several weeks praying and getting no sign from God I accepted that there was no God, but here is where it gets interesting. I was heading back to school after spring break and like usual after being gone for so long and seeing lots of kids out and about heading toward their classes, I started feeling nervous again. Instead of silently praying for strength I told myself that there is no God and I am alone in this. I thought it would make me feel worse but I felt myself happy and growing increasingly excited the more I thought that way. Never before would I have thought that would work. At first I couldn’t make sense of it but I now realize why. All my life I let others control me leading me, I had no say in the matter thinking this is the way life is supposed to be and I was miserable because of it. When I told myself I was alone I gave myself the authority to rule over myself. It feels good, I now realize I was never meant to follow. Now whenever I get nervous I remind myself that “I’m alone” and the fear leave me. In my biblical history and literature class, the more I learn about this religion the more I find myself embarrassed in believing it. The illusion in it seems so obvious to me now. I am steadily moving forward now. Thank you for opening my eyes to what is, to the essence of things.